Although this article focusing on connection-oriented parenting is the seventh piece in our series about the 10 Cs of Healing Parenting, it is actually at the heart of the matter. Without making connection a priority in your relationship with your attachment-compromised or traumatized child, healing cannot occur.
Connecting with your child involves empathy, support, nurturance and love. Your child needs to sense that you are genuinely interested in them as a person. Limit setting is also a part of connecting. Children need structure, including consistent, predictable and reasonable rules, for a feeling of safety and security. This leads to respect, trust and secure attachment.
The ability to form and maintain positive connections is essential for childhood development. This involves taking into account the needs, feelings and options of others and is accomplished by understanding and respecting another’s point of view. The resulting rapport makes it possible for your child to develop trust, be open to influence and seek out your guidance. Parents who successfully connect with their children are emotionally available, actively involved in their lives and model respect and compassion.
Connection vs. Control
Many parents are unclear about the difference between the use of power and force. True power is based on love, compassion and understanding. Compassion gives you the capacity to be patient, persistent and positive in the face of ongoing adversity. Laws of Physics teach us that the use of force automatically creates a counterforce. The more we use a strategy utilizing violence, domination and control, the greater the likelihood of escalating conflict.
Children are most influenced by those with whom they feel the deepest respect and strongest connections. You cannot make lasting changes in your child’s attitudes and behavior by lecturing, coercing, punishing, or humiliating. Children learn best when encouraged, not criticized. This is particularly true of children with low self-esteem and negative self-images. Your child will only follow your lead if they want to, and they will only want to if they feel good about you and positively connected to you.
Parenting approaches are based on either connection or control. The goal of connection-oriented parenting is to establish a respectful, trusting and reciprocal relationship. This results in your child being motivated to accept your advice, follow your lead, and internalize your values. The goal of control-oriented parenting is to change the child by modifying behavior. This results in your child being motivated to struggle for power, reflect your suggestions and keep away from you.
Parenting for connection is reciprocal and interactive, a sharing of ideas and influence. Parenting for control is dominant-submissive, with the emphasis on compliance to overbearing authority. Parenting for connection focuses on the positive: “Catch your child doing something right.” Parenting for control involves criticism, focusing on the negative. Connection-oriented parenting is characterized by two-way respect, with parent and child respecting one another. Respect is one-way in control-oriented parenting. The child is expected to show respect for their parent and respect is demanded, not earned. Cooperation is encouraged in connection-oriented parenting, such as working together to solve a problem. Control-oriented parenting uses confrontation, which leads to hostility and defiance. Parents using a connection approach teach through providing reasonable consequences. Parents using a control approach tend to be punitive, angry and vindictive. Connection-oriented parenting highlights the primacy of the parent-child relationship, whereas a control orientation places the focus on changing the child’s behavior.
Parenting for connection is based on a health and resource model, building skills and encouraging resources, leading to positive outcomes. Parenting for control is based on an illness model, focusing on the child’s pathology and deficits. Connection-oriented parents use an assertive communication style: clear, direct and non-threatening. Control-oriented parents are aggressive in their communication—hostile, offensive and threatening.
Learning is internalized and endures for children with connection-oriented parents. Changes are temporary for children with control-oriented parents; lessons are superficial and short-lived. A connection approach results in a desire to comply due to genuine caring. A control approach leads to fear-based compliance; fear of punishment and disapproval. Parenting that emphasizes control gives ultimatums, demands certain behaviors and discourages the learning of responsibility.
This is the seventh in a series of in-depth articles on the 10 Cs of Healing Parenting. The 10 Cs provide a foundation on which parents and caregivers can build a healthy, connected relationship with children who struggle with compromised attachment and other emotional and behavioral issues. They are based on compassionate care, appropriate structure and mutual respect. Previous: Confidence (6). Next, we will focus on Consistency.
