All children need consistent nurturance and stability, as a supportive framework to guide, organize and regulate their behavior. Children who have endured adverse conditions—lack of protective, loving and secure attachments—need even more. Failing to receive the requisite nurturance and structure in the early stages of development has left these children emotionally, behaviorally and biochemically disorganized and unbalanced. Your child desperately needs a lifeline of consistent routines, guidelines and love.
Your child will benefit greatly from a predictable and consistent sense of order. For example, studies show stress hormones decrease to normal levels when children in foster families become securely attached. Over time, they internalize the parental structure and develop the ability to self-regulate. Consistent and appropriate structure—rules, limits, and consequences—enable the child to depend on a reliable caregiver, whom he begins to respect and then trust. Providing structure engenders feelings of safety and security in children, anchoring them for the rest of their lives.
Inconsistent care leads to resistant or ambivalent attachment. Children become anxious, demanding and mistrustful, not knowing what to expect. They are crying out for the stability and security that comes from clear and consistent parameters. They will constantly test limits, searching for the resistance that defines their boundaries. Your mantra needs to be “slow and steady”—consistency over time. Remember, the tortoise won the race. It is better to hit singles than strive only for the home run.
It is important for consistency to occur among all the adults in your child’s life. Teachers, counselors, day care providers, child welfare workers and family members must all be on the same page. Your child will be more likely to learn and improve when everyone provides consistent messages.
This is the eighth in a series of in-depth articles on the 10 Cs of Healing Parenting. The 10 Cs provide a foundation on which parents and caregivers can build a healthy, connected relationship with children who struggle with compromised attachment and other emotional and behavioral issues. They are based on compassionate care, appropriate structure and mutual respect. Previous: Connection (7). Next, we will focus on Cooperation.
