A coach is a mentor who guides, teaches, supports, motivates and inspires positive values and characteristics in children. Healing parents are role models and coaches. They set an example of who to be and how to behave. Children learn more from modeling than by any other way.
A good coach not only imparts knowledge, but also facilitates the attainment of wisdom. Wisdom is knowledge applied: Figuring out a problem for yourself by using critical thinking and problem-solving skills. The best coaches don’t teach what to think, but how to think.
Coaches teach life skills, including self-awareness, self-control, conflict resolution, communication and cooperation. Coaches encourage the development of positive traits such as tolerance, enthusiasm, industriousness, integrity, loyalty and perseverance.
Your job as a healing parent is to be your child’s coach and set an example of moral, ethical, and value-based thinking and choices. We can learn many valuable lessons on how to positively influence young people by following the example of former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden. Under Wooden, who led the team from 1948 to 1975 and is considered the greatest college basketball coach of all time, the team won 10 national championships in a dozen years. His success, however, is not only measured by wins but by the respect, adoration and loyalty he received from players and assistants. His teams were known for unselfish play, respectful behavior on the court and hard work. Wooden practiced all the qualities he wanted to instill and gained his players’ respect through personal example.
As parents, what can we learn from great coaches like John Wooden?
- Be a positive role model — We know that children learn more from modeling than by any other way. They are deeply in need of mentors and positive role models, especially children who have lacked adult supervision and admired models.
- Do not demand respect, earn it — Great coaches do not have to tell others they are in charge; set a proper example and others will want to follow. John Wooden showed his players respect and in turn, they did what he asked and more.
- Do not insist on discipline, encourage it — Coach Wooden’s teams were all very disciplined, yet he never punished players. Instead, he held them firmly accountable for their actions. He was a master of using choices and consequences.
- Be the person in your child’s life to provide consistent caring and emotional support — Character-building coaching is based on a bond of affection, respect, and trust. Studies show that even in the most dysfunctional families, one variable—a positive attachment outside the home—raises the probability a child will be successful later in life. All it takes is one person who cares to build a child’s self-confidence, reduce their fear, and have a dramatic, lifelong impact.
These practices and qualities foster a relationship of mutual caring and respect between parent and child which are fundamental to the principles of healing parenting.
This is the third in a series of in-depth articles on the 10 Cs of Healing Parenting. The 10 Cs provide a foundation on which parents and caregivers can build a healthy, connected relationship with children who struggle with compromised attachment and other emotional and behavioral issues. They are based on compassionate care, appropriate structure and mutual respect. Previous: Choices & Consequences (2). Next, we will focus on Commitment.
