Western culture has a long history of emphasizing self-sufficiency and independence. John Watson and the behaviorists in the 1940s warned parents that children should learn to soothe themselves; otherwise they would become weak and overly dependent (Watson 1928). Parents were advised to maintain an emotional and physical distance with their children, allowing them to cry alone, in order to foster self-reliance and fortitude. Adults have been given similar advice regarding romantic relationships. In popular psychology, people have been warned about the dangers of “codependency.” The basic message is that fulfillment and happiness should come from within, and you should not rely or depend on your partner to make you whole or happy. The assumption is that dependency in a relationship is harmful and unhealthy, and reveals a psychological deficiency in the person. (Some codependency can be unhealthy, of course, such as in a dynamic involving substance abuse or domestic violence).
Attachment theory and research have shown that dependency is a natural part of our biology as well as psychology. People who are securely attached, both parent–child and adult partners, become physiologically connected and interdependent. This reciprocal relationship begins during pregnancy; mother and unborn baby are in sync, even coordinating sleep and activity cycles. An infant’s nervous system is not well developed, and it is through the interdependence between baby and caregiver that healthy development occurs. The baby’s smile brings joy to mom, motivating her to cuddle and stay close, and the mother’s smile soothes and relaxes her baby, enhancing trust and security. The mother’s support and love help regulate her baby’s body and brain; maternal touch stimulates growth hormones, and her milk regulates the baby’s heart rate. Infants and their attachment figures continuously affect one another, the dance of reciprocity (Orlans and Levy 2006). When parents and children are attuned, and when adult partners form a secure attachment, a rush of oxytocin floods through their brains. Oxytocin, referred to as the “love hormone” or “affiliative neuropeptide,” stimulates the release of dopamine and the reward center of the brain, creating a feeling of calm and contentment, while suppressing the stress hormone cortisol (Johnson 2008).
The truth is that being able to trust and depend on your attachment figure, a secure base, leads to increased independence, not less. This is demonstrated by observing separation and reunion behaviors during the “Strange Situation” (Ainsworth et al. 1978). Children who are securely attached protest their parents’ leaving, but are calm and confident in exploring the environment when their attachment figures are present. They have a secure base; feeling secure that a parent is available to support and protect, they can explore and learn in an optimal way. As Bowlby expressed, “All of us, from cradle to grave, are happiest when life is organized as a series of excursions, long or short, from the secure base provided by our attachment figures (Bowlby 1988a, p.39). Therefore, the more a person (child or adult) feels secure at home, the more he or she can venture out to explore with confidence and independence.
Dr . Terry Levy and Mr. Michael Orlans co-wrote this article. They are the co-authors of two books and co-lead seminars on attachment and trauma. They welcome hearing from you.
