The following is a list of traits associated with attachment security in adults:
–Desires closeness: Seeks and enjoys intimacy without being afraid ofbecoming “too close”; does not fear rejection, have a need to push partner away, or engage in a negative relationship “dance” (e.g., pursuer–distancer dynamic; one wants closeness and the other maintains distance); positive mindset about closeness—desires closeness and assumes partner wants closeness too; allows intimacy to evolve over time; doesn’t “play games.”
–Emotionally available: Aware of, and able to regulate, own emotions; able to discuss feelings in an honest and coherent way; has empathy and understanding for partner’s emotions; not afraid of commitmentor dependency.
–Protective: Partners feel safe and sheltered, helping them to face the realities of life with a secure feeling; treats partner with consistent support, respect, and love.
–Communication and conflict-management skills: Open and honest sharing and empathic listening; able to have a disagreement without becoming defensive or attacking, which avoids escalation and expedites resolution; confident that problems can be solved and the relationship will thrive; makes decisions as a team.
–Flexible: Adaptable, not rigid in thinking; able to accept feedback and consider partner’s ideas without feeling criticized or controlled; can modify ideas and actions when appropriate.
–Forgiving: Can forgive partner for mistakes or hurtful actions, and can practice self-forgiveness; does not hold onto resentments; positive view and expectation—assumes partner’s intentions are good and realizesno one is perfect.
–Sexuality: Realizes that sex is part of emotional intimacy, not merely physical; is both emotionally and sexually intimate; partner is secure in his or her commitment and faithfulness (avoidants most likely to have affairs).
Dr . Terry Levy and Mr. Michael Orlans co-wrote this article. They are the co-authors of two books and co-lead seminars on attachment and trauma. They welcome hearing from you.
