The ability to regulate and control one’s impulses, emotions, and level of arousal is learned in the context of the secure attachment relationship during the first three years of life. A child with attachment disorder has failed to master this stage-specific task, due to a lack of healthy role models and internalization. The therapist provides a model and encourages the child to practice self-control skills: think before taking action, time out to calm down, positive self-talk, verbal expression of feelings, asking for feedback and help, monitoring the body for cues of tension and emotions, mind–body relaxation techniques.
Anger management skills are particularly important to learn, as these children often act out in aggressive and violent ways (e.g., temper tantrums, assaultive behavior, destruction of property). A primary goal is to learn to manage anger constructively—to achieve appropriate self-control and to be able to cope effectively. Before anger can be managed, however, it must be understood. Anger is an emotion that often results from your thinking: your attitude and beliefs about anger and conflict, early messages you received from role models, and your “self-talk” that determines your feelings and actions. Anger is typically a secondary emotion; it covers up depression and emotions, such as fear, loss, rejection, and sadness. For example, anger often results from unresolved grief. Children who lost birth parents often act out anger toward their foster and adoptive parents. This covers their pain and loss and grief and provides protection against future loss (“I’ll push you away before you reject me”).
Anger often results from feeling threatened. Children with backgrounds of maltreatment and compromised attachment feel threatened when they perceive a loss of control. Early trauma and lack of secure attachment also result in changes in the developing brain that make it difficult to handle impulses, arousal, and anger. These children lack frustration tolerance and flexibility, and easily become distressed, agitated, and angry.
Dr . Terry Levy and Mr. Michael Orlans co-wrote this article. They are the co-authors of two books and co-lead seminars on attachment and trauma. They welcome hearing from you.
