Communication is the basis of meaningful relationships and secure attachment. It promotes empathy, understanding, support, and need fulfillment, and fosters constructive problem solving and conflict management. The communication method we have developed is Attachment Communication Training (ACT), which can be used with any dyad (i.e., parent-child, adult partners, siblings).
ACT has a number of goals and desired outcomes:
• Provides a framework conducive to safe and constructive confiding; fosters a healthy and healing emotional environment.
• Teaches effective communication skills, including listening and sharing skills.
• Employs ground rules that increase positive ways of interacting and prevents destructive behaviors, such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.
• Facilitates constructive verbal and nonverbal communication, including mental, emotional, and physical connections.
• Results in attunement to each other’s needs, feelings, and states of mind (limbic resonance).
• Encourages empathy, warmth, and genuineness; allows for nonthreatening confrontation and constructive conflict management.
• Leads to secure attachment patterns in parent-child and adult relationships.
• Fosters “secure base” behavior, emotional support in times of distress.
The ACT is a structured, goal-oriented, and directive approach to teaching communication skills and mitigating destructive patterns of interacting. Therapists teach family members specific communication skills in order to interrupt habitual negative behaviors and dynamics. It is important to first “set the stage,” creating the milieu most conducive to constructive emotional communication. The individuals communicating sit in chairs facing one another, so they can be physically close, have eye contact, and hold hands (if and when appropriate). A contract is established; clients are asked if they will agree to learn communication skills, and the therapist agrees to guide them through the exercise. It is important to follow the guidelines and steps closely, and practice the skills as described, to insure success. There are six steps: share → listen → restate → feedback → reverse roles → discuss results.
Sharing. One person speaks while the other person listens. Use the following sharing skills:
• Be honest with yourself and partner about what you are thinking, perceiving, and feeling, even if you are worried about “making waves.”
• Share both thoughts and feelings; “The way I see the situation is ____, and this makes me feel ____.”
• Make “I” statements. You are taking responsibility for your own perceptions and emotions. No questions, blaming, or criticizing.
• Be specific, clear, and give concrete examples. Don’t talk in generalities or expect your partner to “mind read.” “When you did ____, I viewed this as ____, and then I felt ____.”
• Be brief. Say one or two things, and say it once. Lengthy speech is annoying and difficult to follow.
• Be aware of your nonverbal as well as your verbal messages. What is your body language communicating: eyes, facial expressions, tone of voice, posture? Your nonverbal messages may determine how much your partner wants to listen.
• Be assertive and positive. Do not attack, blame, or criticize.
Listening. While your partner is expressing his or her thoughts and feelings, your job is to be a good listener. Use the following listening skills:
• Be empathic. Understand what your partner is telling you, whether you agree or not. “Walk in your partner’s shoes.” Really hear your partner’s ideas, opinions, perceptions, emotions, and needs, even if you see the situation differently.
• Be nonjudgmental. Do not judge your partner’s comments as right or wrong, good or bad. Put aside your judgments so you can understand your partner.
• Don’t censor what you hear (selective listening) or silently rehearse your rebuttal. Relax your mind and body so you can totally hear your partner’s message without being defensive.
• Be aware of your nonverbal messages. Do your eyes, facial expressions, gestures, and body positions let your partner know you are safe, supportive, and interested?
• Tune into both content and process. The content is the words, ideas, and topic. The process is the deeper meaning, the meta-message—the “message behind the message.” What is your partner’s emotional message?
Restating. When your partner is done expressing his or her thoughts and feelings, you now restate what you heard; “I heard you say ____.” This is called “reflective listening,” as you are reflecting back the messages you received.
Feedback. Your partner will now tell you how well you did as a listener. “Yes, you heard be accurately; you got my message, than you.” If you did not think your partner heard all your messages accurately, or misinterpreted your message, you can say, “No, I did not say what you heard; let me try again.” It is OK to clarify your thoughts and feelings, giving your partner another chance to listen. The goal is: message sent; message received. No distortions or misinterpretations.
Reverse roles. The speaker becomes the listener, and the listener now takes a turn at sharing. Follow the same rules and guidelines previously described. You and your partner have several chances to practice sharing and listening skills.
Discuss Results. After you and your partner have had several turns sharing and listening, talk with one another about how it was to use the ACT method. Share your thoughts and feelings considering the following:
• What was it like to communicate this way?
• How does it feel to share honestly? How do you feel when you sense your partner is really hearing you or not hearing you?
• What was more difficult for you, sharing or listening? Why?
• How will your relationship be improved by using ACT?
• What are some of the issues you want to discuss in the future using ACT?
Examples of ACT with children, parents, and siblings, and adult partners will be presented in subsequent pages in the context of case vignettes.
