Numerous studies have shown the positive effects of adult attachment security on self-image, stress management, values, and overall mental, physical, and relationship health. The ability to trust and depend on a partner results in a “broaden-and-build” cycle; i.e., the sense of security increases a person’s emotional stability in times of stress, acting as a resource for resilience, the ability to recover following adversity (Fredrickson 2001).
Secure attachment in adults is positively associated with measures of well-being and negatively associated with depression and anxiety (Birnbaum, Orr, Mikulincer & Florian 1997; Mickelson, Kessler & Shaver 1997). Securely attached adults have constructive and optimistic beliefs and attitudes. They appraise problems as manageable, view stressful events as opportunities for learning, and have a more positive view of human nature (Collins & Reed 1990). They have more positive expectations regarding their partner’s behavior, and are less negative when reacting to a partner’s hurtful behavior (Baldwin et al. 1996). Secure adults score higher on measures of trust, intimacy, open communication, prosocial behavior, self-disclosure, support seeking, marital satisfaction, and self-esteem (Mikulincer & Shaver 2007). Attachment security has been found to be associated with curiosity, learning, change, taking calculated risks, facing challenges, and engaging in exploration of new and different information and situations (Elliot & Reis 2003).
Achieving secure attachment—having a partner who fulfills our intrinsic attachment needs and serves as a secure base—is vital to emotional and physical health. Securely attached adults are more calm and confident, have prosocial values, a sense of purpose and meaning, are able to maintain intimate and reciprocal relationships, and are better able to cope with life’s challenges and hardships. In 1938, researchers began a study of students at Harvard University and tracked them throughout their entire lives. Over time, the importance of intimate relationships became clear. During the 1940s, the men who grew up with warm and loving parents were much more likely to become lieutenants and majors in World War II, while those that had cold and unloving parents were more likely to be privates. Resiliency was affected by secure attachment. The positive effect of even one loving and supportive friend, mentor, or relative helped to overcome adverse events in the men’s lives. Those that were better at maintaining intimate relationships also lived longer. The study concluded that the capacity for intimate relationships was the primary factor related to flourishing in all aspects of the men’s lives (Vaillant 2002). The following is a list of traits associated with attachment security in adults:
• Desires closeness: seeks and enjoys intimacy without being afraid of becoming “too close;” does not fear rejection, have a need to push partner away, or engage in a negative relationship “dance” (e.g., pursuer-distancer dynamic; one wants closeness and the other maintains distance); positive mindset about closeness – desires closeness and assumes partner wants closeness too; allows intimacy to evolve over time; doesn’t “play games.”
• Emotionally available: aware of, and able to regulate, own emotions; able to discuss feelings in an honest and coherent way; has empathy and understanding for partner’s emotions; not afraid of commitment or dependency.
• Protective: partners feel safe and sheltered, helping them to face the realities of life with a secure feeling; treats partner with consistent support, respect, and love.
• Communication and conflict-management skills: open and honest sharing and empathic listening; able to have disagreement without becoming defensive or attacking, which avoids escalation and expedites resolution; confident that problems can be solved and the relationship will thrive; makes decisions as a team.
• Flexible: adaptable, not rigid in thinking; able to accept feedback and consider partner’s ideas without feeling criticized or controlled; can modify ideas and actions when appropriate.
• Forgiving: can forgive partner for mistakes or hurtful actions, and can practice self-forgiveness; does not hold onto resentments; positive view and expectation – assumes partner’s intentions are good and realizes no one is perfect.
• Sexuality: realizes that sex is part of emotional intimacy, not merely physical; is both emotionally and sexually intimate; partner is secure in his or her commitment and faithfulness (avoidants most likely to have affairs).
We welcome additional questions about couples attachment.
