Parents are often unclear about the difference between consequence and punishment.
A consequence is the result or direct effect of an action. The goal for giving consequences is to teach a lesson that leads to positive choices. It encourages self-examination, accepting responsibility for ones’ actions, the ability to learn from mistakes, and the development of an inner voice of self-control. Consequences give your child the message that he is capable of taking responsibility for problems and can handle them.
The definition of punishment is to cause to suffer. The goal is to inflict hurt, pain, and get even. Punishment causes resentment and rarely teaches a child what you want him to learn. It is characterized by criticism, sarcasm, disapproval, and domination. Punishment teaches that force, intimidation, and revenge are okay. It also teaches a child not to think for himself. This “listen to a voice outside yourself” mentality can lead to a susceptibility to negative peer groups, such as cults and gangs.
Punishment is damaging to your child’s self-esteem and does not facilitate secure attachment. Corporal punishment (hitting and paddling) hurts children physically and emotionally. Verbal and emotional punishment (yelling, threatening, criticizing, ridiculing, withdrawing love and attention) is particularly hurtful to children with a traumatic background (see my post “Spanking Linked to Later Aggression”).
There are a number of reasons parents resort to punishment. First, it is a convenient way to vent anger and frustration. Second, they are often doing to their children what was done to them when they were young. Third, they don’t know what else to do. They lack alternative ideas and parenting skills. Fourth, believing they must maintain control and exert authority, they resort to punishment. Lastly, they want an immediate change in their child’s behavior. Children often respond quickly out of fear, but the changes are short-lived.
Punishment teaches children to respond out of fear, rather than out of a desire to please or “do the right thing.” The child may appear to be compliant, but only in the presence of the “punisher.” There is no long-lasting development of an inner compass. This does not lead to self-control or self-discipline.
Natural and Imposed Consequences
The real world operates on the principle of natural consequences. There is a direct and logical consequence to each action. If you are late getting to the airport, the ticket agent doesn’t take away your television privileges – you miss your flight. If you are irresponsible at work, you aren’t grounded for a month – you’re fired. Natural consequences are between the child and the rest of the world. For example, your child forgets his jacket and is cold, doesn’t eat and is hungry, doesn’t sleep enough and is tired, doesn’t study and fails the test. Natural consequences are preferable because you do not have to think about coming up with a consequence; your child learns from the “real world.”
Blake, age 9, was told to have his parent sign the permission slip to go on a field trip. Blake “forgot” (he has a habit of being irresponsible and blaming others). Since the problem occurred in school, the teacher provided the consequence, “Sorry Blake, you can’t go on the field trip.” Mom responded with empathy and reassurance, “How sad, you missed your field trip; I’m sure you’ll remember the permission slip next time.” Mom did not have to impose a consequence because the consequence occurred naturally in the school setting. It is counterproductive to impose consequences when they happen naturally.
The second type of consequence is imposed – those selected or chosen. Use imposed consequences when your child’s actions are a problem for you, others, or a danger to self. Whenever possible, imposed consequences must reflect the actions, be enforceable, and address the problem. Children can sometimes come up with their own consequences; they are often harder on themselves than parents would be. This gives children power in a positive way and teaches resourcefulness. Natural and imposed consequences are portrayed in the following scenarios.
While in the car on the way to a restaurant for lunch, Amy, age 7, had a meltdown. She was kicking the back of the driver’s seat, throwing toys, and screaming. This was inappropriate and dangerous behavior. The parents turned the car around, drove to the home of a prearranged respite provider, and dropped Amy off. They said, “We will see you after lunch; feel free to go with us to a restaurant when you are able to control yourself in the car.” Their actions spoke louder than words; no threats, arguments, second changes or pleading for better behavior. They remained calm and imposed a reasonable consequence that was appropriate to the situation. They also gave a message of hopefulness and encouragement about the future by telling Amy she will have another change to behave better.
How to Deliver a Consequence
The way you deliver the consequence – your style of communication – will determine how effective and constructive you are. The following is a list of tips for successfully giving a consequence.
Connect with eye contact.
This is a key to gaining your child’s attention, giving and receiving clear messages, and creating an emotional connection. Significant, but not constant, eye contact is acceptable.
Be aware of nonverbal messages.
Your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice send powerful messages. Gently touch your child’s arm or shoulder, have affirm, yet empathic, tone and look. Get down to her level, eye-to-eye, rather than in an intimidating position, such as standing over her. Your goal is to teach and connect, not intimidate or control.
Set the stage.
Eliminate distractions. Take the time to find a quiet space where you can focus on your child. Make sure you are in the right mood so your child is more likely to be receptive.
Focus on the behavior, not the child.
Convey the message, “I dislike your choice and behavior, not you.” You want your child to learn from the experience rather than feel criticized, rejected, or ashamed – all feelings that confirm his already low self-esteem.
Work as a team.
Parents may have different tolerance levels for what is acceptable or unacceptable. Make sure you and your partner talk about behavior and consequences so you are on the same page.
Be consistent.
Don’t ignore your child’s behavior one time and give a consequence another time. Your child will do best when you are consistent and predictable.
Don’t lecture.
Be brief. Never tell your child something she already knows. Let her tell you why she has a consequence. “I don’t know” is not acceptable. Instead, she can take a guess or ask for help.
Control your anger.
Children learn more when adults are firm, yet calm. Yelling, criticizing, lecturing, and losing your cool do not provide a positive role model of coping and communication, and send the message that your child is in control of your emotional reactions.
Don’t threaten or give warnings.
Repeated warnings undermine your authority. “I told you give times to clean your room. If you don’t do it now, you can’t watch TV!” You are basically teaching your child not to listen the first four times. A single warning can be effective: “Honey, you can continue being rude and get a consequence, or stop now and not get a consequence.” This allows your child to correct his behavior, make a better choice, and feel successful.
Give positives.
It is very important to give your child positive “consequences” for good behavior and choices. The best rewards are emotional – smiles, hugs, words of appreciation, and praise. “I really like the way you helped clean up. How about a hug.”
Make it relevant.
The consequence should mean something to your child. Parents sometimes say: “My child doesn’t care about any consequences; nothing works.” Don’t believe it. You child cares more than you realize. This is usually a game of manipulation and control.
It doesn’t have to be immediate.
Giving a consequence right after a behavior occurs is only necessary with young children who have short attention spans. For most children over five years old, however, you can delay the consequence. This gives you time to calm down, think about it, and consult with your spouse or partner: “That was a bad choice. Dad and I will let you know about your consequence a little later.” This also gives your child time to ponder her choices and actions.
Don’t over do it.
Consequences that are given too often lose their effectiveness. Your goal is not to give consequences 24/7, but to communicate your child is accountable for his choices and actions. Also, consequences should not be too severe. Give the smallest consequence that is effective. Consequences that are too big (“You’re grounded for a month”) can cause your child to feel perpetually punished, become hopeless, and have no motivation to change.
Don’t give up.
Remember, it takes time to change. Don’t be discouraged if providing consequences doesn’t appear to be working right away. The key is consistency over time. A slight variation in a pattern can result in significant change over time. This is called the “ripple effect.”
This blog item was written by Michael Orlans, who runs Evergreen Psychotherapy Center, along with Dr. Terry Levy. They are known together as the Attachment Experts who specialize in attachment treatment for attachment disorder and trauma. They welcome your questions about the difference between consequence and punishment.
