Our style of attachment is established in early childhood and stays with us into adulthood. Children who experience loving, nurturing care typically grow into securely attached adults who can sustain healthy relationships. Meanwhile, those who are traumatized, abused or neglected in early childhood cope with their experiences by developing other patterns of attachment that continue to impact their lives even when circumstances change.

Your adult attachment style affects everything from the partners you select and the quality of your relationships to how well you can sustain them over time. Recognizing your attachment style is the first step in understanding why you do what you do in relationships and how to make changes that can heal and strengthen these.

The four child/adult attachment styles are:

• Secure – autonomous;
• Avoidant – dismissing;
• Anxious – preoccupied; and
• Disorganized – unresolved.

Adults with these attachment styles differ in significant ways:

• How they perceive and deal with closeness and emotional intimacy.
• Their ability to communicate their emotions and needs, and listen to and understand the emotions and needs of their partners.
• The modes of responding to conflict.
• Expectations about their partner and the relationship (internal working models).

There are three primary, underlying dimensions that characterize attachment styles and patterns. The first dimension is closeness, meaning the extent to which people feel comfortable being emotionally close and intimate with others. The second is dependence/avoidance, or the extent to which people feel comfortable depending on others and having partners depend on them. The third is anxiety, or the extent to which people worry their partners will abandon and reject them.

The outline below explains the four adult attachment styles.It is common for adults to have a combination of traits rather than fit into just one style.

Autonomous (Secure)

If this is your attachment style, you are generally comfortable with intimacy, not worried about rejection, or preoccupied with the relationship. You accept your partner’s need for separateness without feeling rejected or threatened and you are able to trust them. Adults who are securely attached tend to pass this on to their children through warm, sensitive and caring parenting.

Dismissive (Avoidant)

If this is your attachment style, you are generally avoidant, uncomfortable with closeness and primarily value your independence and freedom. You keep your partner at arm’s length. Adults with dismissive attachment tend to be emotionally unavailable as parents, disengaged and detached. Their children are likely to have avoidant attachments.

Preoccupied (Anxious)

With this attachment style, you tend to be anxious and needy, you crave closeness and intimacy, and you are often insecure in your relationships, constantly worried about rejection and abandonment. You tend to be overly sensitive and highly emotional and combative in relationships. As adults, anxiously attached individuals are inconsistent with their children, who are likely to also be anxiously attached.

Unresolved (Disorganized)

If this is your attachment style, you generally feel both avoidant and anxious; you can’t tolerate intimacy, yet you also are insecure and needy in your relationships. Any relationships are in a constant state of turmoil, full of anger and pain. These individuals have unresolved trauma and pain and may be suffering from PTSD. They are more likely to maltreat their own children, leading to disorganized attachment in their children.

Attachment patterns are passed down from one generation to the next. Children learn how to connect from parents and caregivers, and they, in turn, teach the next generation. Your attachment history plays a crucial role in determining how you relate in adult romantic relationships and how you relate to your children.

However, it is not what happened to you as a child that matters most — it is how you deal with it. Many people go from victim to overcomer. With help from a qualified mental health professional with whom you develop a trusting therapeutic relationship, you can make changes that will allow you to heal your relationships and become securely attached.