We’re embarking on a new series of blog posts — and this time, we’re taking a detailed look at the foundation for creating a healthy and healing relationship with your child based on compassionate care, appropriate structure and mutual respect.
We call these disciplines “the 10 Cs” because each starts with the letter C. Discipline, by the way, comes from the root word, “disciple,” which means “follower of a leader or teacher.” Effective discipline depends on building the right relationship with your child, not merely about using a particular technique. Discipline is not just about responding to “bad” behavior, but, instead what you can do to encourage your child’s total development — mind, body, emotions, relationships and values.
If you want to have a positive impact on your child, you must abandon the notion that you can demand obedience through the use of physical or psychological coercion or force. Withdrawing from your child by holding back love, attention and connection is nonconstructive. Your child already has experienced enough rejection, criticism and abandonment — whether that’s because of profound trauma; or because of schoolyard bullying; or because of other social struggles at home, school or around the neighborhood.
The truth is that you cannot control children’s behavior. Only they can control their behavior. You might temporarily impose your will on a younger child through constant surveillance and domination. However, your child merely is learning to comply with external pressure rather than to develop a healthy, inner voice and moral compass. Using excessive force and control with older children encourages them to fight back.
What are the key ingredients of therapeutic parenting that is healthy and healing? You can have a positive influence on your children if you use the following guidelines — the 10 Cs:
- Connection
- Calm
- Commitment
- Consistency
- Communication
- Choices and Consequences
- Confidence
- Cooperation
- Creativity
- Coaching
We will explore each of the 10 Cs in more detail in coming weeks.
Hi,
Terry mentioned at the ATTACh conference in VA that the resource the 50 symptom checklist was available on the site . I haven’t found it am I looking in the right place?
The Symptom Checklist is on the child and family intake forms, which is under “apply for services” on our website.
I believe my son went to “Dr Terry” 30 years ago when we lived in Colorado and I would love to give my son the book he wrote.
I hope I have the correct Dr. You taught me to be the parent not their friend as they had friends and needed a parent. If they had a behavior that needed attention such as my son hit his brother fighting over a toy. He taught me to send him to the corner and he could come out as soon as he could tell me why he was there and what he did wrong and what he would do differently to stay out of the corner. Do I have the right Dr Terry? I know I drove an hour outside of Aurora Co to see him.
Which book would you recommend for the 6 yo grandson more in control than his mother?
The book “Healing Parents” describes parenting concepts and skills. I can be reviewed and purchased on our website.