We are often our own harshest critics with less empathy for ourselves than others. For someone with attachment issues because of their experiences with abuse, neglect or trauma, the critical inner voice is even louder. A lack of secure attachment limits their capacity to be kind to themselves.
But self-love or self-compassion are key ingredients to a healthy life and positive relationships with others. Furthermore, according to a body of recent research, building self-compassion as a therapeutic tool for people with disordered attachment can help create positive change and foster connectedness.
Compassion and attachment
As we have discussed in many articles, cooperation, caring and empathy are learned in the secure attachment relationship. Secure attachment leads to healthy psychosocial development and is a protective factor guarding against the development of antisocial behavior.
Additionally, a child’s feelings about self and their sense of self are tied to early attachment relationships. A child with securely attached relationships can develop a strong and positive self-identity, with clear boundaries between self and others. They learn to love themselves. Meanwhile, the child who has been neglected or abused lacks a solid and secure foundation and has a weak and negative sense of self or internal working models and mindsets about how they see themselves and others. This child does not trust others or believe they are deserving of empathy, compassion or kindness.
In recent years, a significant body of research has linked self-compassion to better mental health and quality of life, mediating issues like depression, anxiety, and pain, as well as symptoms of PTSD. Studies have also discussed the relationship between self-compassion and attachment, and that self-compassion can promote secure attachment by supporting resilience and feelings of trust and connectedness to others.
Based on this understanding, a relatively new therapeutic intervention, Attachment-Based Compassion Therapy (ABCT), aims to build both compassion and self-compassion to improve interpersonal relationships and well-being.
What does ABCT look like?
ABCT includes mindfulness exercises, compassion practices such as receiving and giving compassion to oneself and others, and work to raise awareness about attachment styles and how their early childhood experiences impact behaviors and emotions.
The therapy explores the client’s attachment history, helping them understand how early relationships with caregivers have shaped their views of self and others and their behaviors. Awareness and understanding of their attachment wounds and how these have affected them is integral to helping clients feel more empathy for themselves.
Other components include:
- Exercises to build compassion – Clients practice treating themselves with kindness and understanding. They are encouraged to recognize that suffering and imperfection are universal human experiences, with the goal of reducing their judgment of others and their feelings of isolation and shame.
- Help clients understand what self-compassion means – Self-compassion is not only about having the capacity to be kind to yourself, it also means being able to set boundaries and protect yourself from mistreatment.
- Work to change the critical inner dialogue – Working with the individual to replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations and encouraging messages.
- Mindfulness practices – Clients learn to observe and recognize their emotions without judgment and with acceptance.
- Self-soothing techniques – Clients are introduced to coping strategies that can help soothe and regulate themselves during moments of distress, such as deep breathing exercises, guided imagery, or engaging in comforting activities.
As we know, empathy, forgiveness, morality and understanding for another are key to any successful, healthy, and securely attached relationship. But just as important is being able to see yourself without judgment and have an inner working model that includes kindness and compassion for yourself.
