The holidays can be a time when there is additional stress put on the relationship with your partner. All the issues that are challenging for couples to navigate at the best of times are likely to surface over the next few months. Juggling hectic schedules and dealing with complicated family dynamics, financial pressures, and sometimes unrealistic expectations are all part of the holiday picture.
So, how do you make sure that you are taking care of your relationship and yourself during this busy time?
As with any hurdle that couples face, effective and loving communication is key. At Evergreen Psychotherapy Center, we use the Attachment Communication Training framework to teach couples how to communicate in healthy ways.
Communication
When you are getting ready to discuss a prickly issue like setting boundaries with your in-laws or making a budget for holiday shopping, follow the step-by-step guidance offered in the ACT model:
1. Set ground rules — Before starting to practice any communication strategies, both members of a couple need to agree on certain ground rules. These include:
- No blaming, criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling.
- No interrupting.
- Agree to disagree.
- Pause the conversation if it gets too emotional.
- At the same time, do not avoid a difficult conversation.
2. Share – Begin by having one person speak while the other listens. Be clear, concise and honest with yourself and your partner, share thoughts and feelings and make “I” statements.
3. Listen — While one partner is speaking, the other partner needs to be a good listener. This entails listening with empathy and without judgment. Try to relax your mind and body so you can really hear what your partner has to say. Avoid becoming defensive and formulating your response while your partner is speaking. Pay attention to both the content of what your partner is saying and the nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions and gestures.
4. Restate — Once your partner has finished speaking, repeat back what you heard. Begin with “I heard you say….”
5. Allow an opportunity for clarification – Give the speaking partner a chance to respond to your restatement to clarify anything the listening partner may not have understood.
6. Reverse Roles — Now, the speaking partner becomes the listening partner and vice versa, repeating the process.
Implementing ACT strategies requires practice and shouldn’t be limited to difficult times. Practice, discuss how the strategies are working for you and bring in a professional to help if you aren’t making progress. The goal should be to strengthen your communication skills and, ultimately, your relationship throughout the year.
Preparation
Good communication will allow you to prepare for the holidays together and ensure you are on the same page. Here are some topics you may want to address with your partner in advance:
- Manage expectations for the holidays and decide on boundaries together. Identify your priorities, negotiate your differences and then present a united front when discussing these issues with loved ones.
- Create a holiday budget together and plan for post-holiday recovery.
- Remind each other about the true meaning of the holiday and that there is no need to sweat the small stuff for the sake of creating a “perfect” day.
- Set a schedule that works for both of you and be able to say no. You don’t have to attend every single holiday event. Make sure to set aside time for self-care, to reconnect with your partner and practice rituals that are important to you.
If you know that the holidays put a strain on your relationship and you are having a difficult time communicating effectively, please contact Evergreen Psychotherapy Center. We are here to help!
