We are social animals, and the family is the primary social environment in which children learn values and a moral code of conduct. Prosocial morality, including empathy, cooperation and conscience, are learned in early secure and loving relationships. Traits are formed, such as identifying with the needs and feelings of others, knowing and acting in right and decent ways, and being respectful, tolerant, charitable, and fair. A child learns the content of her parents’ moral code and has the desire to follow that standard. Children who experience maltreatment may develop antisocial morality; lack of remorse and empathy, are deceitful, manipulative, and selfish, and disregard the rules of society. They lack an inner voice and conscience to help them make correct decisions and curb destructive impulses.
Prosocial morality evolves within the secure parent-child relationship by four psychological processes: modeling, internalizing, attunement, and self-identity. Children learn more from modeling than by any other means—they do what we do, not what we say. When parents model empathy, honesty, integrity and caring about others, they rear children who have these same values. Securely attached children are more caring toward peers and more likely to be chosen as playmates by age three, compared to those with insecure attachments. By age five, children with secure attachments are more compassionate and better friends, while those with compromised attachment are often insensitive and cruel, taking pleasure in another child’s distress.
To be a positive role model you must set a strong moral example—walk your talk. Do you control your anger and manage stress well? Show patience and follow rules? Indulge in unhealthy habits, such as excessive drinking, smoking, eating, or gambling? Treat your spouse and children with love and respect? Treating children with respect gives them the experience of being respected. They are then more likely to show others respect.
Children also develop empathy and morality through internalization; they absorb the values and actions of parents and other role models. A child raised with loving care wants to please her parents, to see a parent smile, and feels upset when Mom or Dad is unhappy with her behavior. Over time, children are not only motivated by rewards and punishments, but internalize a moral inner voice. Securely attached children internalize a prosocial inner voice that guides them toward empathy, honesty and self-control. They become self-directed, can think for themselves, and can judge their own choices and actions. Children with compromised attachment may internalize antisocial standards, such as selfishness, aggression and dishonesty. Their inner voice tells them not to trust. Instead, they are guided by self-preservation and often by a lack of conscience and feelings of remorse. They are externally directed, scanning their environment for danger, and lacking an inner compass to guide and motivate them toward success and fulfillment.
Emotional attunement is the third process that leads to empathy and morality; being aware of our own feelings and mental states, and attuned to the inner states of others. For example, a mother and baby are becoming attuned to one another, “limbic resonance ,” the key to emotional connection and secure attachment. The baby is learning how to be attuned to the feelings and needs of another person by mother and baby being attuned to one another.
The fourth factor contributing to prosocial morality is a positive self-identity. Caring for others starts with a solid and positive sense of self. As previously described, a child’s self-identity develops as a function of the way in which attachments are formed. A solid foundation of safe and secure attachment, with positive messages, healthy boundaries, and sufficient support, leads to a positive self-image. Children lacking this healthy foundation can develop a weak, fragmented and negative self-image. Feeling insecure and frightened, they fight to survive in a world perceived as threatening and unsafe, preventing the development of empathy, kindness, or other prosocial values.
