How parents can create security in their children

Fear and emotional/physical discomfort activate attachment needs in young children. When frightened, lonely, and feeling stress, children rely on their caregivers for protection and need-fulfillment. When a child’s fear and stress are reduced by a dependable caregiver, he or she associates closeness with safety and security. This is the essence of secure attachment. When young children have no emotionally available caregiver to depend on, they must face anxiety and stress alone. With little or no support, the child is overwhelmed with stress, associates closeness with pain and fear, and concludes he or she is better off alone. This is the essence of anxious attachment.

The behaviors necessary for parents to provide a secure base for their children are the following:

• emotional availability: be accessible, dependable, and self-aware (aware of emotional triggers; do not take child’s issues personally); is a positive role model (constructive coping skills).
• sensitivity: is attuned to the child’s feelings, needs, and mental state; is
empathic, nurturing, patient, and loving; is a good listener.
• responsiveness: responds appropriately to behavior and needs; can be firm and yet loving; is proactive, not reactive ; promotes feelings of safety not fear; provides a consistent, predictable, and developmentally appropriate structure and plenty of support.
• helpfulness: maintains a mindset of opportunity rather than crisis(looks for “teachable moments”); helps the child learn effective coping skills, such as anger management, communication, and problem-solving; understands the role, attitude and skill-set of a mature and loving parent.

3 Comments

Deborah Dawn Colwell on December 3, 2015 at 11:36 am

This is always helpful to remind parents to keep at the forefront of their approach to parenting and maintaining a connected relationship so their children can feel safe about the world and work to be productive members of society one day. Thanks always for everything you do!

Terry Levy on December 16, 2015 at 12:14 pm

Thanks for the thoughtful comment and kind note.
Reply

denial on October 14, 2020 at 1:27 pm

Thanks for the notes